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It is better to build children…than to REPAIR adults
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They only do it because I tell them NOT to!
by Jeanette Kasper
We think in pictures. Not in words. Not in concepts, in pictures. And, when someone, like our parents, teachers, or coaches give us instructions, we picture what they are asking us to do. Here’s an example. Think about winter. What color is winter? Can you imagine curling up in front of a big, warm, blazing fire? All you see is the light from the fireplace, as you sit and drink a cup of hot apple cider. Do you see the picture? We think in pictures. Let’s go one step further. “Don’t think about skiing.” I said, “Don’t think about skiing.” What are you thinking about? Skiing. Why? Because I said, “Don’t” right? That’s what all the parents say, “They only do something because I tell them not to!” In the sentence “Don’t think about skiing,” what can you make a picture of? Skiing. So you do. All the information we take in goes directly to our safety brain (amygdala). The safety brain thinks in pictures. We see skiing. How long did it take for you to think, “Oh, she said ‘don’t’?” It probably took a split second. The word “Don’t” does not have a picture. It can’t be processed by the safety brain. So, it has to be sent over to the thinking brain to be processed. The split second it took for you to think, “Oh, she said ‘don’t’,” is the time it takes for the safety brain to send something over to our thinking brain (neocortex) to be processed. When we tell someone, “Don’t do something,” we are criticizing them. We are implying that the way they did it is wrong. I tell my kids, “Don’t leave your shoes at the front door.” Where are their shoes every single time! My next comment is, “How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your shoes at the door?” What picture do they get from that statement? Shoes at the front door. That’s what the safety brain sees. They hear the implied
criticism, “You did it wrong, again.” Slam goes that gateway in their brain, shutting off all access to the thinking brain.
The word “Don’t” can’t get to the thinking brain to be processed, because the safety brain has taken over. So, where does the “Don’t” go? It’s gone. And the picture I have left with the kids is, “Leave your shoes at the front door.” And they are so good at following instructions, they leave them there every single time. How many times will I have to tell them? A million times or until they leave home, whichever comes first. I’ve been giving them the wrong picture with which to follow through. And the picture is all they have. Listen to yourself. How many times do you say “Don’t” to the kids? It leads to a tremendous amount of frustration. We keep expecting them to change their behavior and cooperate more fully, never realizing we are creating the problem in the way we give instructions. Don’t you dare turn on that TV until you’ve walked the dog. Don’t hit your sister. Don’t bring home poor marks like this again! Don’t leave the bathroom messy. Don’t go to bed without brushing your teeth. Don’t come to class without your books. Don’t make such a mess. Don’t read all night. Don’t watch TV. Don’t stay out past 11:00 p.m. Don’t ask for more allowance. Don’t ask me to drive you. Don’t eat so fast. Don’t use such poor manners. Take the don’t off each one of these statements, and I hear parents around the world groan, as they realize one little word has created huge problems with their kids. The easy solution is to talk in
positives. Tell the kids what you do want, not what you don’t. We have been trained from birth to focus on the negative. This is one of our deepest lessons. When is the first time you remember saying “No” to your baby? Baby was probably three or four days old. “No, no! Don’t pull my hair (necklace, beard, or whatever)!” The more we have practiced the better we are at anything. We’ve practiced being negative a lot, for a long time. We’re good. And negative is not good. It’s always the right time to change. And every little bit of progress is worthwhile. Tell them: Walk the dog, then watch TV. Homework first. Bring your books with you to class. Keep your hands to yourself. Lights off at 9:30 p.m. Use your best manners. And when they ask you for something, you always want to be able to say, “Yes.” One three-year-old child used to appear in the kitchen every night five minutes before dinner, and ask for a cookie. Every parent would respond, “No, you can’t have a cookie. We’re eating in five minutes.” At which point the three year old throws a tantrum—every night, right before dinner. Mom made the change perfectly. “Mom, can I have a cookie?” “Yes you can, right after dinner.” The three year old walked out of the kitchen before she realized something weird had happened. Answer “Yes” to every request. It’s the picture that follows that you will have to work on.
Yes, you can stop shoveling the walk, July 8.
Yes, you can stay up all night, when you’re 23!
Yes, I will buy you a car. With your inheritance, after I die.
Delete “Don’t” from your vocabulary, and watch how well your kids start responding to instructions.
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